I knew there was danger yesterday evening. I knew my husband was at a golf outing, my youngest son was working at his part time job, and that I would be alone. That would have been a dream for my drinking self, to open a bottle of wine, pour a glass and wipe a demanding day away.
So before I even left the parking lot I turned on an episode of The Bubble Hour. It was an older one, about staying sober in the summer. It was just what I needed to hear. As I was listening I was also making a plan in my head. How to fill those life sucking 3 hours of hell. My plan was to eat as soon as I got home. This would keep the hunger trigger away, and I had good leftovers from the night before. Pasta, good bread, and a glass of fruit juice and sparkling water. I got home and did just that after I changed my clothes and got comfortable. And it felt good and relaxing.
Next on my list was to walk my dog. We walked around the neighborhood, and I breathed deeply and balanced myself, trying to stay in the moment and taking in the joy of being outdoors. The dog and I came home, and I continued to follow my plan. Next up a bath with a fun bath bomb, with a good book for company. But wouldn’t you know, it was then that my husband came home, and invaded my space! He was all smiley, “Hey babe, are you running a bath?” I said “Oh you are home? Yes, I’m running a bath.” And up the stairs I go. I was really getting into my evening, this little plan I had, and he stepped into it and I needed him to STEP OUT OF IT! So I took my bath, read my book. When I got out I announced “I have a foreign film from the library I’m going to watch, and I’m sure you don’t want to watch it with the subtitles and all, so I’m just going to go back upstairs.” My husband didn’t say much, just mumbled something like OK. I watched my movie, and fell asleep ridiculously early, and it felt good and safe. So here I am up ridiculously early, but that is okay too.
Normally around 3PM my mind would start triggering cues, telling me to look forward to when I get home so I can have a “glass or two of wine.” I’m not sure how, but now I can control that voice, and tell it that yeah, that sounds fantastic, but I can’t do it, and we both know it. So adios you sick little addict voice! I’m making plans for my 3 hours, and they do not include you!!!!!!! I’m actually looking forward to my plans for tonight; maybe candlelight yoga, maybe some dinner, maybe another bath, book and movie. Who knows, but I’ll see what I feel like at 5, and having that freedom is exhilarating!
Happy Friday Everyone!