August 11, 2018

I was sneaking peeks at this site before my drive home yesterday (well, actually all day) and I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude, support, community, knowledge, you name it. I felt that I had finally found a place that I’ve been searching for for so long, so I started to cry. On the highway. I know it sounds corny but I felt closer to a higher power for a bit. Like I had come home. But then my phone rang, so I answered it. It was my husband, he was marinating a pork loin, what sides did I want to make to go with it? So I was taken out of my sappy heart filling moment and on to dinner. But cooking dinner on a Friday night with my husband is too close to cooking dinner on a Friday night with my husband while I drink wine and he drinks a cocktail so I asked if we could save it for later in the weekend, plus I feel like I’m getting a sinus infection, which is true. Hurriedly, unnaturally, he was all in with holding off on the pork loin, and did I want him to pick me up something for dinner and saline drops for my nose? Hmmmmmm, sweet, but suspicious.

As I pulled up, he was just getting out of his car. I quickly learned he was at our friend / neighbor’s house getting his drink on while the pork was marinating. You see, he works from the house, has a sweet gig and tons of freedom, unlike me. It does cause some tension in our household. I asked if he wants to go grab something to eat. He says “No, I’m not hungry.” So I just look at him. “Are you going to eat at all tonight?” “I don’t know.” Weird, awkward, again suspicious. Now I’m annoyed. What the hell is going on? What is going on is that he wants to continue drinking with pals which are my pals too.

I feel so left out. I know the conversation would have been entirely different on my way home last night if I was still drinking. It would have been, “Hey, I’m over at ,,,,,,,,,,,’s house.
Stop by for a drink when you come home.” Sinus infection or not I’d be driving home looking forward to drinking with my friends (we have about 3 couples in our neighborhood that are super close, guys and girls) and that is how we’d spend the night. Sometimes we even move from one house to the other and we serve food at each house so we call it a “Progressive Dinner”. All of our kids have affectionately called it us getting drunk and stumbling around our neighborhood.

My husband leaves again to go drinking with the pals, and I leave to grab a chicken pot pie from the grocery store, saline drops. I eat, walk the dog again. I take a hot shower, and just go to bed because I don’t know what else to do and I’m feeling sorry for myself.

I’m up early again, so on with today. We have plans with our little crew for today. We’ve been planning this for a weeks. We are supposed to take the train into Chicago and go bar hopping. We are supposed to leave at 9:30AM, which means the drinking will begin at 9:30AM on the train. My husband has been giddy with anticipation, and I’m scared to tell him that I don’t think I can go. Going to the beach is one thing because the water is there to escape to, to be alone to get centered.
Chicago is another thing. It’s 60 miles away from home and there is no escape.

While I was sleeping last night it appears there was text mania going on over our day today from my friends. What are we wearing? Aren’t we going to have the best time! Won’t it be great to just relax with great friends? I love my friends, would do anything for them, but I don’t think I can do this…….. and I’m lonely and sad, and I am missing them. I’m scared of how my husband is going to react, and is it fair to abandon him when he was so looking forward to today? But if I do go I think I’m going to make everybody uncomfortable, or is that just my narcissistic self again, thinking everybody is paying attention to me? Or can I just go, laugh, have a good time, open up to them about why I’m not drinking, and maybe my escape can be by train if I have to leave and they will all understand? How tempted am I going to be? I don’t know, but I’ll have to decide here soon. Just writing this let’s me examine it, take a closer look at it. So I’m grateful I can do this here.

Love to you all,
Kelly

 

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