I’ve been a real bitch lately. Not to everyone, but definitely to my husband, and I’m worried my marriage is not going to survive my sobriety
He is irritating the shit out of me, and I can’t stop judging him. I feel so wrong and guilty, but if I’m honest, and that is what we all are on this site is honest, I’ll confess I’m disappointed in him. I think he misses his drinking buddy, and I think my not drinking is forcing him to look at his own drinking . He has never told me he is proud of me and then given me a hug, and he never mentions my sobriety and how it is affecting him, me, us. I feel that he is focusing on how this is making him feel, and he is not realizing how necessary this was for me to do, and that I was in danger. So I keep quiet. I feel like I’m keeping secrets from him as I do my therapy writing and conversing with all of you. I’m going to sign up for Kripalu in November and I haven’t mentioned this to him yet. I keep thinking I’m going to tell him when I can string a few days together where I’m nice, and things are not so tense between us. But these nicey nice days are turning out almost as hard to string together as sober days.
I think my husband misses our talks that we used to have over our drinks and wine. We did not argue when we drank, but we drank to intensify our feelings around everything. By drinking we were taking the boring moments of life and making them extraordinary. We were taking the difficult things in our life and making them bearable, and we were letting ourselves be more intimate with each other because alcohol tore down those barriers . And now I’m afraid sobriety is exposing the problems in our marriage that we were numbing our way through.
I feel like I’m growing like a newborn and so many things feel brand new. I am reading, I am writing. I am going to the store if I want to in the evenings because I CAN! Car needs to be cleaned out because I have to drive my boss around all day? Done, did that last night when I came home from work. In the past I would have come home, opened a bottle of wine, smoked on the deck while I cooked dinner, blah, blah blah……. you know the story. I would have woken up this morning with just enough time to get ready for work and then BAM! Crap! The car wouldn’t have been cleaned out or washed, so I’d be in a crazy hurry dumping a ton of stuff into the garage to be sorted out later, and I would have taken out a wet towel to give the dashboard a quick once over and as a final hail Mary I’d throw a couple dryer sheets under the seats to take away any weird smells. Not today baby! My car is washed inside and out!
Sounds victorious I know, but here’s the back story. My husband and I did the miraculous after work car washing together, and I smelled alcohol on his breath. “Have you been drinking today?” I asked. “I had some drinks this afternoon. I had lunch with so and so and we went to Hooters and had some beer and wings.” Great, booze and Hooters during the day. But I kept those words to myself. We did the car washing and stopped at the grocery store to get a couple items for dinner and then we went home. I’m irritated and resentful. While I was working my stressful, never can let up for a minute sales job my husband was sitting in Hooters drinking. And this is not anything new, but it wears on me, especially sober me because now there is no way out and I have to face these feelings, hence me being a real bitch at times.
As I’m putting groceries away my husband announces he needs to return something to our neighbors, and I know what this means. He’s going over to the neighbors to drink, because he’s looking to continue getting his drink on and it’s no fun to do this at home anymore. I just murmur ok, because to be honest I want him out of the house. I want him out of my safe sober space so I can go back to my plans, to feeling good, and to make dinner for my son so he has a good meal to eat after soccer. Out the door he goes.
My son comes home and we have dinner together. He tells me about practice, we talk about what he may want to study in college, etc, etc, etc. It was such a nice night with my son and I. Not talking to him through a hazed fog, just open and clear conversation. We ended our night by watching The Grand Budapest Hotel. I just love that movie.
My husband came home drunk, like REALLY drunk after I went to bed. My friend was texting me last night while I was watching the movie, giving updates on what jack asses our husbands were being, but I ignored them so I could just be with my son. I guess she ended up kicking the guys out of her house (our other neighbor was there too) with a warning they were on their way home.
So I’m pretty sure therapy is the next step. But right now I don’t want to go to therapy. I want this special, life changing time to myself. I want to read, listen to podcasts, write and get to know the real me better before exposing all of this to a stranger. I will get there, but I just need more time doing what I’m doing now because it is working.
As I continue to grow I’m afraid I will outgrow my husband. I don’t know if I can look at a lifetime of how things are at the moment. So I keep telling myself this too may require one day at a time. Right now I don’t feel like I have a right to explain to him all the changes that are taking place in me because I feel that I haven’t been sober long enough to earn that right. I haven’t proven that I’m going to stay this way. Part of me thinks he is waiting for my sobriety to end so we can all just go back to us being us. But I know I’m not going back, and there will never again just us being us. It is now me and him, and I hope we can somehow meet again.
Happy Sober Friday!