August 19, 2018

Yesterday was a pretty good day over all. My son was busy with his friends, and my husband and I had the day to ourselves, and I was in a good mood and not really feeling all that bitchy. I woke up super early (I’ve been waking up at 4AM most mornings since I’ve been sober!). I love these mornings before everyone is up. It’s my own little oasis, and my time to be introspective and balanced. So I had my coffee, read for a bit, looked over this site to see how everybody was doing and to pick up some sober women love, knowledge and to hear and honor stories. I then threw my swimsuit on under my clothes, jumped on my bike and headed to the beach. The water was even warmer than the fresh lake air, so I went in, floated, swam, and was reborn as I stared out into the horizon with the water holding me up.

I was feeling all calm and relaxed as I took a shower and got dressed after I came home. My husband I went to an art festival, bought some beautiful hand painted coasters, and went to lunch. I ordered my iced tea, he had a couple beers. We went home and I took my mom shopping, and my husband went to a celebration of life for his co-worker that had passed away. It was at a DAV club, so I knew that meant more beers, but since I wasn’t being bitchy and had been reborn that morning I was going with the flow. When I came home from the shopping he still wasn’t home so I made myself a cup of tea, did some more reading, burned an incense and was really getting into my afternoon. My husband had thrown some chicken in the smoker, and I was looking forward to a good dinner, maybe a walk together with the dog, and a movie. I was getting ahead of myself.

My husband came home, and excitedly told me he was wrapping up our chicken and taking it to our neighbors because we were having dinner there. What? I guess while I was relaxing he was planning and the plan was to keep the party going, and that meant packing up my dinner because our other neighbors were going too and we all were bringing something. So I let him pack up the damn chicken and I promised I’d come over later………

I texted my friend / neighbor and asked her what time she was going over there. She said she was getting some stuff done, and would let me know if / when she was going. I agreed to do the same all the while knowing I wasn’t going anywhere. I started a movie and got comfy on the couch with the dog. And then I decided there was no reason not to be totally comfortable so I took my movie watching and the dog upstairs to the bed.

My friend / neighbor knows I quit drinking, and I was pretty honest with her why I quit drinking, and she’s been super supportive. All of us went out last weekend, and everybody drank but me, and I will never forget what she said to me as I was dropping her off at her house that day. She said, “Some day Kelly I’m going to be like you.” I couldn’t believe it, and it was an honor for her to say that, and I don’t think it is something I will ever forget. I texted her last night to let her know for sure I wasn’t going, and here’s how the text chain went:

Me: I’m watching a movie, relaxing, I’m not going over there tonight.

Her: I don’t think I am either. I’m looking at watching a movie! And tired.

Me: Me too!

Her: Found my movie and tucking myself into bed. I actually like this!

Me: I know, it’s fantastic!

I just felt all proud that maybe, in some small way, I was modeling that life without alcohol is better, and that, I think, is part of the reason I am feeling so different this time, and why I feel like I’ve been reborn. During my other attempts at sobriety I kept journals, and every day I was sober I would write how many days I had made it. I focused on those days, and fought like hell for each and every one of them. I would write in my journal how I was feeling, and I would write about my kids and my worries over them, or about my husband. I would make a list of all the things I should be grateful for. But I felt all alone in my recovery, and I was too ashamed to tell my friends about what I was going through.

But for a while now I’ve been learning, growing. Through podcasts I discovered that I am not alone, that each story I hear carries pieces of my life, of my behavior, of my shame. When I hear these women tell their truth I feel them, and the fact that they have been able to move forward in their sobriety and to forgive themselves has made me realize that I am worthy of forgiveness too, and that maybe I can start forgiving myself and realize there is another life I can lead, and it is not too late. And then I made my way to this group, and once again all these strong women with so many stories like mine are marching forward, and I finally found that I could march with them. And I could tell my truth too, and maybe my truth will help another, and we can all keep reaching out with healing arms. Being of service and feeling connected are my life lines at the moment, and that is keeping me afloat despite the other challenges I’m facing; like my dinner being dragged to my neighbors.

I was looking over one of my journals, and I found where I wrote, “The best most life changing thing I can do is to stop drinking. If I can do this everything else will get better and change.” My reborn self is saying, “The best most life changing thing I can do is to stop drinking and to be of service. The universe will take care of the rest.”

Happy Sober Sunday!
Kelly

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