August 5, 2018

I hope it doesn’t get annoying, but I feel a need to pour it all out here in the mornings as I navigate sobriety and clarity. I feel like you guys are the only ones that will understand and will be supportive, and WILL NOT say “You don’t have a problem, you just need to relax”. So I have a need to do this for a bit!😊

What a test this weekend is turning out to be. Had my husband’s work picnic yesterday. A bunch of people I don’t know, beers in coolers, and OH MY GOD, a large glass carafe of Sangria. My husband promptly got a beer, I grabbed a water while eye balling the sangria, and he began dragging me around, introducing me to his co-workers. I hate small talk but can if forced, so I smiled, chatted, and thought about how much easier this whole thing would be if I only had a drink. With relief I plunked down at a picnic table with my water to play bingo with a group of guys in the steel industry. Strange combination….. but now I could just play a game and not chit chat.

I drove home because my hubby had quite a few, but he wasn’t really drunk. We stopped at the grocery store to get a couple items we needed for dinner. He bought 7-up so he could mix a cocktail when we got home. We had everything we needed then he asked, “Do you need anything?” Which means do I want a bottle of wine? Heck yes I want a bottle of wine! I want to cut up the salad, cook a beautiful meal, all while sipping a cold glass of Chardonnay! But I said no, because that ideal picture doesn’t exist for me. It will look something like this: I will have finished most of the bottle while cutting up vegetables, and then will have moved on to smoking cigarettes (for some reason I only smoke when drinking) and then I’ll resent having to stop sitting on the deck. But I’ll stumble in, finish making dinner. Now I won’t even be interested in eating it, but I’ll have a few bites, talk about how good it is to make your own food, how healthy it is. Then I’ll clean up the kitchen, open another bottle,and return to the deck for the night while my husband and I talk about work, the kids, goals, life. I’ll go to bed, wake up with a hangover, and hate myself in the morning. My day will be ruined because I’ll feel like hell, my inner voice will tell me I’m weak, I need to stop, that I’m an alcoholic.

But this morning I am sober!!! And I have an entire Sunday to enjoy! This will be another hard day so I’m praying I will be strong. We have a beach day planned with my drinking friends……. so I’m going to yoga this morning and will have my own alcohol free drinks to get me through.

Blessings to all!
Kelly

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