August 6, 2018

I left for the beach yesterday worried (how am I going to sit in the sun with my besties and not drink, laugh, and drink some more with them?) scared (how am I going to be able to tell them I can’t drink, that I have a problem that it is killing me outwardly and inwardly, without being crushingly ashamed, or even worse yet, making them ashamed of themselves) and defiant: there’s no going back, and I have to face this head on, armed with all of this groups’ words of wisdom and encouragement.

I had to take my mom grocery shopping in the morning, so I told my hubby “Just go without me, I’ll ride my bike and I’ll meet you there.” This could be my escape route once things heated up, and I had to get the hell out of there! No such luck, he decided to wait for me. So I get home and wait for the “I have wine in the cooler for you, do you need anything else?” But that sentence never came, nor did he ask me what to pack. I ASKED HIM what he packed, and he said some La Croix, ginger ale. I added my special Bai antioxidant drink to the cooler and off we went. I could feel tension in the car, he wasn’t sure what to expect with non drinking beach Kelly. Was I going to be a bitch all day? Was I going to make him leave early? Was I going to grow quiet, judgmental? Hell, I didn’t know what was going to happen either, but we just kept going.

I think God was looking after me yesterday. Many in our little group had to cancel. So it was just four of us. My husband and friends sipped beer, I sipped sparkling water, and nobody asked me if I wanted a drink. I began considering I’m a narcissist; why have I been thinking everybody is focused on me, watching what I drink, how much I’m drinking? Is it because I’m the one with the drinking problem so that’s just what I do while other people just enjoy themselves? I’m still thinking about this……

We laughed, told stories, planned future outings. I had a moment where I thought, “Just one beer will be soooo nice. Beer isn’t my problem, it’s wine.” I got anxious, so I just stood up and went into the water. It was heaven and I swam and played and floated quietly until I calmed down and became centered again. It felt so good, and while I was out there I thought of this group, and how grateful I am. That if I look hard enough there have been signs, opportunities, and blessings along the way.

I wasn’t bitchy, I wasn’t quiet, and I didn’t ruin anybody’s day. I was just me!!!!!

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