August 9, 2018

If I make it through today I will be one week sober!!! It doesn’t sound very long, but deep inside me it feels like a long time.

Yesterday was hard though. I am in sales, and it is a high stress job. I run all over the place, in and out of my car, talking to people who don’t want to necessarily talk to me, and don’t appreciate the interruption. So I feel like a pain in the ass a lot, and rejected, but hey, that is sales. But it certainly does not help an alcoholic who suffers from low self esteem…..

I have about a 35 minute drive to and from work. I’m either excited I had a good day, or feel down, down, down. Either way when I get home it’s time to open that bottle to either celebrate or commiserate. As I drive home I pray that nobody else is home. I want to pour my glass, sit on my deck, and just be alone. I want to enjoy the warm relaxed feeling I get from that first glass, and I LOVE IT. It makes working all day worth it, and I think I deserve it. And so my nights go, drinking on the deck, cooking, smoking, on and on and on. Day after day. And the mornings are all the same, hungover, feeling that weighty filmy feeling in my chest from smoking, and thinking about how worn out I’m going to look for the day. Will they know when I get to work about how I spent my evening? Will they see the brokenness in my eyes? Will my smile and easy going attitude not fool anyone?

The weekends are probably challenging for many trying to stop drinking, but for me the hardest moments are my “normal days”. The days when they all seem to roll into one another with no other distractions. No sports practices, meetings, games. Just boring old life. I think boredom is a trigger for me…. that and hunger.

So I’ve been thinking about 3 hours. 3 hours have been ruining my life. These ugly, life sucking hours for me are 5:30pm to 8:30pm. How are these 180 minutes able to rob me of myself, my kids of a sober, present mother? How can they hold so much power and how could I have allowed this to happen? All of these years, and I’m just now realizing this? Would things have been totally different if I looked at these 3 hours as the enemy and threw myself into defeating them and taking their power away? I think so, because 3 hours feels small and manageable in comparison to a lifetime. Hell, it seems small in a 24 hour day. I so wish I had realized this years ago because I would have saved so much pain. But I cannot go back, only forward. But how I wish I could go back……. it makes me sad.

One of my favorite quotes is “The secret to change is to focus your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new”. Rumi. I’m trying to keep this in mind.

Blessings to all, hope you have a fabulous Thursday!

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