I was reading Unpickled, Jean McCarthy’s blog, and in a recent post she mentioned the Pink Cloud phase of sobriety. Wow! There was a name for that euphoria, that intense OH MY GOD I’M SOBER AND PROUD AND FEEL GOOD AND AMAZING which was waaayyyyy better than any cocktail or glass of wine that I’d ever had! But now those feelings are gone, and I’m waking up every morning not hung over, but not especially feeling so great either. Not having those feelings of feeling like a bad ass makes it more difficult not to drink, and that, my friends, really sucks.
When I quit drinking I thought everything was going to get better. I thought my sales at work would go through the roof, and I saw promotions, pats on the back, an employee of the CENTURY plaque at my desk and my very own parking place. But that didn’t happen. Actually I’ve been in a bit of a slump lately, and at my revenue driven company that is not okay. Perform, perform, perform or get out of the way because somebody’s ass will be sitting in your seat if you don’t press on the gas! So that’s been a real bummer, and I’ve been thinking lately,”Hey Sobriety, I thought you were going to solve all my problems, and Hey Drinking, I thought you caused all the problems? What the hell is going on here and where did my pink cloud go? If my pink cloud was around me I wouldn’t care about work, I’d figure I’d manage my relationship with my husband some way somehow, and I’d keep on spreading good cheer and cheerleading a life of sobriety. But my pink cloud zoned out on me, or I zoned out on it and the skies are gray.
I mentioned my relapse recently in another post. That really sucked and I haven’t felt the same about myself since. I know I need sober people in my life, and although this group has been the biggest support I’ve ever gotten in any attempt to stop drinking I realize I need real people. But I’ve been lazy about that too. I’m tired. I’m tired of thinking about drinking, not drinking, sobriety, maybe I can drink at this occasion, maybe I’m not alcoholic, maybe I am an alcoholic, maybe I should see a therapist, maybe I need to go to AA, maybe I need to get away from here, maybe I need a new job, and on and on and on and on. I want to stop focusing so much on all of this and just get on with it already, and when I say IT I just mean life.
I have this habit of shutting down when things get to be too much. I retreat, and just go through the motions. I’m afraid I’ve been doing this lately, and I am recognizing it threatens my sobriety. I am in awe of the women in this group that reached out to me to see if I’m okay since I’ve been quiet lately. Thank you, thank you, thank you. That act of kindness, that realization that somebody was thinking of me and my sobriety meant more than you will ever know. It was exactly the kick in the butt I needed to pull myself out of the gray skies. I’m realizing the skies of sobriety may not always be full of pink fluffy clouds, but even when the skies are gray the skies are always blue, and the sun is always shining once you bust through those gray clouds. So this morning, for the first time in a long time, I’m feeling rather cheery, and happy happy happy about another sober morning.
Happy Sober Thursday Everyone!