This weekend was rather shaky as I rumbled along on the sobriety bandwagon. I’ve heard some great advice this past month or so, and it’s all sinking in as I continue to grow and learn. What I’m learning is that this sobriety path is not a path that is sure footed and easy to follow. At least not for everyone. There are forks in the road, there are logs to jump over, there’s bushes that need to be cut, and along the path all of a sudden there’s a beautiful vista, made for just your eyes and journey. And when that magical meadow, that gorgeous sunrise, or that sparkling lake reveals itself after all the hard work it’s hard not to take it in and just BE IN AWE.
That happened to me this weekend. I had that danger time again as I wobbled along the sobriety path. I woke up yesterday invigorated and rested, sober and happy. I went to yoga in the morning, and was feeling rather pleased with myself. I did some reading before the sun rose, and thanked God for another sober day.
But the day wore on. I needed to do the tedious task of grocery shopping to get ready for the week. I needed to put laundry away, I needed to do more laundry so I could put it away, I needed to cook a couple things so we could have a decent meal or two throughout the week. You get the idea. Chores that need to get done, but I don’t know. I kind of resent them on the weekend. I really should work more on getting my act together through the week and do a few of these things instead of saving them all up for a Sunday. But I digress.
So my husband leaves soon after I get home from yoga to go skeet shooting with his friend which will inevitably turn into drinks, so I have his buzzed return to look forward to. Later my son goes with his friends to see the school play, and I continue on with my chores. And then my addict voice erupts. “This would be so much more fun with a little wine. Just a little…… We can cook a beautiful meal for when the boys get home, we can sit on the deck in the cool air and enjoy a cigarette. Nothing crazy. Just a bit of time to relax on the weekend. Come on, you deserve it.” I sit and listen and become mesmerized by the voice and I can physically feel the switch in my body. I can feel it revving up. Yep, just a little wine. What harm can there be?”
But I broke the spell. I recognized the addict voice, that whispering little fucker in my ear. Like so many I’ve given him a name, stolen from a sobriety book I read. My addict’s voice is Voldemort. I stole this name because it reminds me of another villain in my life that was no good for me. The two share a lot in common which includes things such as self loathing, self destruction, lack of self love, and bad influences. I somehow separated myself from the addict voice, and I stopped my chores. I laid down on the couch with a cup of tea and watched a movie. Blue Jasmine. It calmed me down, and if you’ve seen the movie you see Cate Blanchett’s character spiraling down, down, down. Popping pills, drinking vodka, and unraveling. “My god” I thought. “She’s a complete mess.” I don’t want to be like Jasmine.
After watching the movie I grabbed the dog, went for a walk. I’ve learned that being outdoors is another sobriety tool. The sunshine, the cool air, are all therapeutic. When I returned from my walk all sunshiny and bouncy stepped I picked right back up on my chores. I finished the soup I was making, and was putting laundry away as my boys started arriving home. And it was a nice day all in all. I flexed my sobriety muscles, and they got a bit stronger……….
Happy Sober Monday,