Yesterday my sobriety plan was hot yoga after work. By 4PM I was making excuses not to go. I’m tired. My son will be home alone (he’s 17!). I’ll have to change out of my work clothes at the studio. I forgot my sweat towel……. blah blah blah.
But I went. It felt relaxing once I settled in. I chatted with a few of the other women which I usually don’t do. The lights dimmed, and the heat felt so good. And the music began. What the hell? The music was all Disney themed! The yoga instructor warned us we’d be in for a surprise, but I certainly didn’t think this would be it.
We warmed up, and the memories inside me swelled. Songs from The Jungle Book played, and I remember so many moments with my oldest son. This was his favorite movie, and I had forgotten so many of these songs, and they brought up all the images of holding him next to me as we watched his favorite movie together and I watched him and couldn’t imagine my heart being more full of love. I remember him snuggling next to me, and then I remembered when my drinking would disappoint him. Sweet images and images of regret strewn together. It was messing with my brain as I went through my movements.
I was sweating now, and the dimness of the room, my sweat, and my memories were starting to sink deeper in. Songs from Mulan came on, which conjured up so many moment with my daughter. This was her favorite movie. We would watch it together, wrapped up in each others arms after a day at the beach. It always made me cry, and as I was in downward dog, child pose, dolphin, etc. I could feel the sweat mingling with my tears as the sweet images swirled with images of regret for drinking around my children.
I wouldn’t have traded all these emotions for anything, regardless of the pain in my heart, because there was more love than pain. I think I left a piece of me in that yoga room. I felt a shift, a realization, a sense of forgiveness for myself as my body, mind and spirit were taken to a different place. It began putting things in a better perspective for me. Those songs transported me to another time, but it was like I was watching a movie, a movie of one of the most difficult times of my life. Divorce, heart break, fear, drinking, love, all mixed in with a big heap of forgiveness for myself. As I was watching the movie I was weeping for the girl in the middle of it all, simply trying to do her best as she struggled to raise 3 small children alone. And I finally felt sorry for her, and began to understand that she sure could have used some compassion during those days………
Happy Sober Tuesday,