And Here We Go Again

Well, I’m back on the sober train again after quite a ride. The virus (once again I will not use the C words, I’m sick of them) has taken away a regular schedule, responsibilities. Then of course we hear about all of our friends upping their drinking. The Happy Hours via Facetime and Zoom, liquor sales are up 55%, so my husband and I decided to join in on all the fun, until the fun was pretty much a shit show as we drank away the late afternoon and evenings. The mornings certainly were not much fun. The stress of the world was certainly not much fun, and me hating myself certainly was not much fun. So I’m on day 3. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but I’m proud of myself this morning. And I feel REALLY good.

As I’m writing this and it is mid April, I’m watching snow falling in the early morning. It’s blanketing the ground gently, but I don’t think it’s going to stick. But even though I’m ready for spring this is another reminder to remain patient, that all good things come in time, and that we have to enjoy what is in the moment. What a lesson to learn, and it has taken me over 50 years to understand that, and it is still a work in progress.

I was thinking last night as I soberly tossed and turned that I’ve been drinking off and on since I was 16. I’ve read more than once that when we start drinking that is when we stop growing. That scares me, but I know deep down it is true. My dreams started being stunted at that age, my values changed at that age, and I’ve spent a long time not liking myself since that age. What a web to unravel, and then I get viciously anxious just even thinking about all the work that I need to do to be healthy and full. But then I try to remember that just like winter becoming spring I have to be patient and except the things I cannot change or rush or hurry. I have to do the work to find the person I am, supposed to be. So if I can just not drink today I will have moved a little closer. So I’m really going to try and not let my alter ego, that stranger who moves into my body, to not take over. I want this clear, open and honest woman I am right now to stay with me. Here’s what I hate about that stranger. I don’t have a name for her yet, just Stranger for now. Maybe it will come to me eventually.

She’s not healthy.

She’s a bad mother.

She’s a bragger.

She’s selfish.

She’s argumentative.

She’s sloppy.

She’s grandiose.

She’s immature.

She can be hurtful.

She’s impulsive.

She’s self harming.

She’s dangerous.

She not enlightened, AT ALL.

She makes bad choices.

Maybe I’ll start my own little therapy with this list, and each day make it a topic to explore further. To unravel that stranger and strip her of her power and presence. Something to think about for today.

Happy Sober Wednesday Friends!

KB

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