I am 132 days alcohol free! I’m so very thankful for these days. They haven’t been easy, and I’ve spent years trying to figure it all out, and it’s so damn frightening. I’m scared every day that the happiness I have found can end. So I’m trying desperately to make sure this does not happen. Even when people urge me to have a drink. Even when my husband seems lonely. Even when something really good happens and even when something really bad happens.
But along this journey this time I’ve worked really hard at having the famous sober tools in my tool box that I’ve learned from so many. Thank you everyone! One thing I do is write in my journal, and I’ve stumbled upon a little practice that I wanted to share. As I’m journaling in the morning I found myself starting to create lists. Lists with the theme: WHAT I DID YESTERDAY BECAUSE I DON’T DRINK. They give me an instant hit of pride, and they begin to tell a story about how much fuller and richer life is because I’m not drinking. Trust me, these lists are not earth shattering and full of incredible spiritual experiences. They have included things like: I rinsed out a yogurt cup before putting it in the recycle bin. I created a new playlist. I cleaned out the lint trap. I put the suitcases in the attic. I bought nice white sheets. I brushed the dog. But sometimes the lists include important things like: I spent quality time with my mother and sat with her at a picnic table at the beach. I brought my husband coffee in bed, I made a mammogram appointment. I talked to a friend that is worried about her drinking.
When I’m feeling weak, or the crappy wine witch decides to visit I can look at my lists, read them quickly and instantly see how my life has grown and improved. How it carries more meaning, and provides contentment. On the flip side I have fun making lists of what my day would have looked like if I WAS drinking to provide a comparison. That list typically includes things like gulping water at 3AM, having an anxiety attack on my way to work, silently telling myself I’m a piece of shit, looking like a piece of shit, and eating greasy food. Funny, my WHAT I DID YESTERDAY BECAUSE I DON’T DRINK lists are all different with different experiences. My WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE IF I WAS DRINKING lists are pretty much all the same.
Happy Sober Tuesday,
KB
