I really liked yesterday. It started out rather shitty as I was posting yesterday’s post on my online support group, but accidentally put it on my public Facebook page! It was early morning, but still a distant friend read it, and messaged me words of support. I felt punched in the stomach as I desperately, clumsily tried to delete it. Well, I deleted it but have no idea who may have read it. Was it work acquaintances’ up early like me? Maybe my daughter’s boyfriend’s mother? Or perhaps some close friends? So I spent most of the morning waiting for others to message me, imagining somebody messaging my husband words of concern and him going crazy on me, etc. But none of that happened, and I turned to my online group for support. And boy did I get it. Many had made the same mistake, and they had felt the same as me. But many said they didn’t care anymore, that it was freeing.
I’m kind of feeling that way too. And now that a slip of my secret has entered the unprotected world I feel that it is protecting my sobriety. Like I don’t know who may have read the post, so I certainly can’t go out and have a drink. I’d be paranoid thinking that everyone would be looking at me, “Look, she’s gone back to drinking poor thing.”
But here’s the reality of it all. Most of us spend a lot of time thinking about what other people are thinking about us, but those people most likely aren’t really thinking about us at all. They are thinking about themselves and what other people are thinking about them and around and around it goes. So a bit of me is almost pleased that mistake was made because it gets me closer to feeling like a bad ass. A bad ass for quitting drinking which is such a difficult, major, positive, life changing decision; and for slowly letting the world know what a bad ass I am. And hopefully the post may have helped somebody in some way.
But back to why yesterday was a bad ass day. Before I quite drinking hubby and I would most likely have gone out for some drinks, come back home to where the drinking and cigarette smoking would have continued. We’d wake up Saturday morning, feeling and looking like shit. We’d eat some shitty food, maybe take the dog for a walk and then spend most of the day laying around watching TV and taking naps, trying to recoup. Then we’d go to bed super early. Not much of a weekend huh?
THIS Saturday my husband woke up pretty early for him as I was having my nervous breakdown about the public post, and announced he was going to the gym. Terrific! I could use a distraction and went with him to work off the nervous energy I’d accumulated. The morning continued as I went to yoga. Then we went to the gun range where I learned how to shoot a gun. Then we stopped to get a sweet potato for the steak dinner we planned. We relaxed with the dog and watched a little TV. We made our most excellent dinner, planned our day today, watched a bit more TV and went to bed early. LOVE LOVE LOVE.
And now here I am up early again, well rested. I have another yoga class planned for this morning, plans to go ice skating and lunch, and a hike in the national park. We’ll stop by the grocery store to make a light dinner. LOVE LOVE LOVE. And all because I’m not drinking. And I’m a Bad Ass.
Happy Sober Sunday,
Kelly
